Friday, November 03, 2006

Secret Agent, Hell Cat (Fred the Cat’s Dark Side)

Fred the Cat, here. Okay, this is just between us. You know that while the Pops were away I was stationed at the veterinarian’s office. They put me in a nice roomy enclosure and took great care of me.

Here’s the inside scoop on what happened there. I’m usually a mild mannered sort of cat. I don’t give the Pops a hard time…..most of the time. But when I go to the vet I become Secret Agent Hell Cat. If you recall, my first experience at the vet’s office resulted in some physical changes for me. I have to protect what’s left. So if anyone puts their hand into my space they risk pulling back a bloody appendage. Man, I scare the hell out of them. I growl and I spit at them as they pass by. My message to them is, don’t mess with Fred, the cat from hell.

When Mr. Pop came to retrieve me after they came back home, the employees at the vet’s office debated which of them would come to my cage and transfer me to my travel carrier. Ha! Not one of them wanted to do it. I had them scared, big time.

Mr. Pop just laughed at them because he’s never seen this side of my secret bad-assed personality. He said, “ I’ll go get him.” They all trotted along behind Mr. Pop as he approached my cage, unlocked the door and reached inside. Of course, as I saw them approaching, I quickly switched back to my kinder gentler self and allowed Mr. Pop to pick me up without a whimper or a single protruding claw. The office staff was aghast, as they peeked around Mr. Pop. They had expected significant carnage.

So, as far as the Pops know, I am a sweet and loving cat, but as the employees of the veterinarian’s office will attest, I can be bad. The kind of bad that no one in his right mind wants to encounter. In my line of work it’s important to be able to switch personalities on a moments notice, especially when dealing with the evil doers at the vet’s office.

Panzon, a cat belonging to Msliberty, asked me last weekend how to handle living with canines. Here’s how I handle living with Murphy, the bichon. His breed alone should tell you all you need to know. He’s French. I keep him in line by running past him at regular intervals and swatting him on the butt as I run by. He learned early on not to mess with me. He claims that he has a pedigree. I say, Hell I had ticks once, get over yourself.

All of you cats out there feel free to ask for my advise, I’ll be happy to help if I can.

Fred the Cat

Pop and I wish everyone a great weekend.


Blogger Turtle Guy said...

A delightful story of your stay. Thanks, Fred! Our last trip to the vet's wasn't all that happy, but they are dear, caring folks. Be good to them... maybe downplay your alter-ego just a titch... or not... you're most entertaining!

November 03, 2006 3:16 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

This is Ben the Cat. When my folks go on a trip, Zoey, Bobby and I stay at home. A nice lady comes in twice a day to take care of us. Mom says she is a professional pet caregiver, whatever that is. At first, Zoey hides under the bed. She is such a wimp. Anyway, it is a pretty sweet deal.

Peace out,

November 03, 2006 5:26 AM  
Blogger BBC said...

"He claims that he has a pedigree. I say, Hell I had ticks once, get over yourself."


November 03, 2006 5:30 AM  
Blogger bluegrrrrl said...

Fred, you're a stitch...sounds like you have been taking swatting lessons from Artemis, the cat who owns me. Fortunately we canines know that you felines secretly love us. We don't mind letting you pretend you're in charge.
You and the pops have a great weekend too!

November 03, 2006 5:43 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hell I had ticks once, get over yourself.

We could all use a little of this! :-)

November 03, 2006 6:22 AM  
Blogger andante said...

Dear Fred,

We solved the canine problem by growing bigger and fatter than the three Chihuahuas with whom we are forced to share space.

Greater bulk and the evil eye comes in quite handy, as does our 'tag team' act whenever one of those pesky canines dares to come close.

We recommend eating everything in sight and consider recruiting another (large) feline to your cause.


Randy & Trouble

November 03, 2006 6:36 AM  
Blogger Peacechick Mary said...

Fred, I would call you a silly goose, but you'd probably give me a whack! Glad you're home with your family and lording it over everyone.

November 03, 2006 7:03 AM  
Blogger JBlue said...

Go Fred!

Jango Catt

November 03, 2006 7:06 AM  
Blogger robin andrea said...

Our cat is just the opposite. He won't let us groom his fur when it's matted, or trim his nails, which he can't retract because he's a "special needs" kitty. He swats at us and runs away. So we take him to the vet for these silly little grooming adventures. We did this just a few weeks ago, and when we picked him up the assistant said, "This is the nicest cat I've worked with all week. No, let me rephrase that, this is the nicest cat I've worked with all year." We were amazed. Seems he rolled over and let her groom him with no problem whatsoever.

November 03, 2006 8:32 AM  
Blogger maidink said...

" ... but as the employees of the veterinarian’s office will attest, I can be bad. The kind of bad that no one in his right mind wants to encounter."

Please forgive me, but when I read that, I got the instant mental image of Michael Jackson singing "Bad" with Fred dancing behind him.

And now that damn song is stuck in my head!!!

I guess that's my punishment, eh?

November 03, 2006 8:59 AM  
Blogger BBC said...

At this very moment two of my cats are sitting on my lap, they like to fuck wit God. Sometimes four of them try to get up here all at once. Sure makes it hard to type.

November 03, 2006 9:00 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...


November 03, 2006 9:00 AM  
Blogger Rainbow Demon said...

We Love Fred!

on the FFF: Now you know why Paxr & I love Grace Slick so much, POP...

Have a great weekend


November 03, 2006 9:29 AM  
Blogger DivaJood said...

Fred is one serious cat. I'm glad he's on our side.

November 03, 2006 9:34 AM  
Anonymous abi said...

We have to take one of our cats to the vet fairly often. When they finish with her and the assistant takes her back to us, the poor assistant looks like she just made passionate love to Eric Scissorhands.

So, Fred, don't tell me about bad. You haven't met my Buttercup.

November 03, 2006 9:47 AM  
Anonymous Scott said...

Hi Fred. Thanks for your appearance on Daddalumps today!

November 03, 2006 10:23 AM  
Blogger sumo said...

Okay Fred it's you and me now. I'm a big fat sumo cat and I have a blog too. In fact I am two sumo'd love my loin cloth that I wear when wrestling with those that get in my way. poor've had ticks eh? Hey, if you're ever in California...come see me in the ring...I'll show you some really good sumo moves to use on your dog pall. Do you like sushi? I know this little joint up the street that specializes in some great fish! You know you want to Fred...

POP...that made me was wonderful...needed that today.

November 03, 2006 12:07 PM  
Blogger Pam said...

Aw fred, you tell great stories!

November 03, 2006 1:39 PM  
Blogger azgoddess said...

thanks for the secret side of cats story...too funy

my siamese, the clutz, broke his ankle (a story for another day) and we spent hours at the vets office...they loved him but decided early on to put him under just a tad bit when they changed casts and everything...he

November 03, 2006 3:10 PM  
Blogger betmo said...

sophie the cat currently has the vaporizer on pointed at her bed- the entire guest futon. she looks sweet but when she gets snoring- it sounds like a 747 running through.

November 03, 2006 6:27 PM  
Blogger enigma4ever said...

Dear Fred, I too know about creating Mayhem at the Vet's got so bad for the Enigma taking me in that the Vets office called and requested that Oven Mitts and Bandaids were brought to work with me....HA!!!

Xena the Warrior Princess

November 03, 2006 6:54 PM  
Blogger Anon-Paranoid said...

So you got them all scared of you at the vets, when in reality your really just a pussy cat. Smart move on your part.

I bet they give you extra treats to try to bribe you into submission. What a sneaky way to get goodies.

God Bless you Fred.

November 03, 2006 7:46 PM  
Blogger Jamie said...

there is decidedly a cat conspiracy.

Miss Pris is tail twitching and informing the world that she is pissed.

Rory is his usual mellow self - just don't let the kid pick me up.

Ms. Mittens just wants to suck = 12 claws, Hemingway cat or not, she was abandoned too soon and wants a mommy

Kiki Boom - our beloved cowardly custard just slinks around avoiding all felines and searching for his trusted adults.

All greet Fred and support him in his revolution against the cages of the world.

November 03, 2006 7:55 PM  
Blogger Blueberry said...

Fred, I think if you had just one more day you'd be running that place! It's not hard to push around a few humans. Just entice them with sugar and scare them with sharp! Meow!!

November 03, 2006 7:57 PM  
Blogger Gracie said...

Great storytelling, Fred. My cat, Abby still wants to meet you. You two sound so much alike it's scary.

November 03, 2006 9:41 PM  
Blogger Neil Shakespeare said...

I think we need a movie where Fred the Cat goes to Washington and bites Bush in the ass.

November 03, 2006 9:41 PM  
Blogger The Minstrel Boy said...

Yo, Fred dude, Minstrel's Barn Monster here. I tells ya them vet people all have it coming. Minstrel took me there, muttering stuff about enough being enough and then, well, you know. On top of all of that he still expects me to not only patrol the barn with my extended family, I'm supposed to fight a two front war guarding the truck patch. He's not a bad guy though. That barn is a target rich environment for us hunting types. I sometimes am in the mood to let him pet me, but, like the Corleones say, served cold and stuff. Glad you got your licks in on those vet people. They had it coming, all of them.

Barn Monster.

November 03, 2006 10:56 PM  
Blogger Sothis said...

Fred, this is Maia, Sothis' cat. Thanks for helping support the CLO (Cat Liberation Organization)! Fight the Power! Don't let the Man get you down.

Peace Out.

November 04, 2006 3:44 AM  
Blogger Pursey Tuttweiler said...

My cats have my dog trained with that same swatting technique. They must have gotten that idea from Fred.

November 04, 2006 9:00 AM  
Blogger Tina said...

Pssst... Fred... this is Ursabelle. Now normally I am simply too bored, fat and fluffy to care about being a bad-ass, but those snot-noses at the vets office all have it coming to 'em. Keep up the good work.

November 04, 2006 4:20 PM  
Anonymous Lily said...

Notice we are all cheering you on!

November 04, 2006 6:28 PM  
Blogger John Good said...

Hi POP! Just letting ya know I'm still here. . barely. Is it the 7th yet? ? ?

November 04, 2006 7:12 PM  
Blogger msliberty said...


Panzon here. I like your style. I swat at the canines, too, whenever they try to come in my closet. I also put my ears back and hiss, which seems to freak them out.

One of my favorite things to do is lay my big butt down in the middle of the hallway and pretend to sleep. Sometimes it's all I can do to keep from blowing my cover just to watch them sneak up closer and closer. They're not sure if I'm asleep or not and so they don't know how close to get. If they try to ease around me I open one eye and that's enough to send them running back to the living room. Cowards.

Sorry about the ticks, Man. Luckily for me we live in the middle of the desert now, so I don't have to worry about them anymore. I may have to live with two canines, but I haven't had to have a flea bath in seven yrs!

There's a can of sardines and tuna entree with your name on it if you ever get down this way.



November 04, 2006 8:27 PM  
Blogger The Future Was Yesterday said...

Fred, Ole Buddy, ya did us guys all proud, across all of felinedom. "Never Forget Who Took The Jewels!!"

November 04, 2006 9:20 PM  
Blogger WeezieLou said...

first time i visited this - and anyone who can accurately channel a cat is, for me, a person i want to know

November 06, 2006 3:42 PM  

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