Friday, August 25, 2006

Friday Funnies

I didn’t write this piece, I couldn’t. But Lance Arthur, could and did. It will most likely be the funniest thing you will read all day if not all week. Please enjoy!

Pissing on Paris

I have pissed on my cat. There. I said it. But it wasn't entirely my fault.

My cat, Paris, has a problem. Or maybe it's not a problem, per se, but more of an interest. A special interest. In me. More specifically, in my bathroom activities.

Maybe this is normal cat behavior. No other cat I have ever been around has exhibited it, and I want to attribute it to two unrelated things: One, the door to my bathroom has no latch so it will not stay closed if someone really, really wants to come in, and two, she's still just a kitten, more or less, doing kitten things like exploring her boundaries and showing curiosity about every fucking thing I am doing all the time unless she is asleep, in which case she wants to be asleep on me.

I know I haven't yet actually mentioned her behavior. That's because it reflects on me in some ways that I'm not entirely happy with sharing, yet I think the amusement factor overshadows my own embarrassment concerning some of the things that have gone on in my bathroom between my cat and me.

If I begin to take a leisurely piss, she comes a-runnin', because Paris likes to watch. It's always the same. I will be standing at the toilet holding my johnson and wondering if, this time, I can get away with taking a piss without the cat. However, almost immediately after the stream hits the water, she is there.

Sometimes, she knows where I'm headed and she'll sit between my feet, staring up at my willy, waiting for me to begin. I believe she thinks it's like some piece of clothing I own, or perhaps a dangly toy she should be able to play with. So I get a little pee-shy, look down at her looking up at me with her innocent yellow eyes, and finally begin.

This is when she hops up onto the toilet rim for a better view. So now I have a cat-sized moving target that I'm actively trying to avoid hitting. I'll lean forward, one hand against the wall behind the toilet and the other attempting to control the targeting aspects of taking a piss.

The penis is not a well-designed tool. It does some things very well, but given a target to hit (or avoid) of anything smaller than a foot in diameter, a guy's gonna splash. And the thing's pliable, and the causeway sometimes thins out or opens up, and the stream's suddenly going on the floor or the back of the toilet, up on the seat, on your own foot – honestly there's just no telling what's going to happen.

So I'm pissing, trying to avoid the cat, and one would think – cats being so clean and all, you know, taking a dump and burying it and being all fussy about where their food is, and licking themselves constantly – that walking into a stream of urine, let alone wanting to play with it, would not be something they're apt to do.

But you'd be wrong.

First thing she does, Paris reaches out with her white, furry little paw, head tilted in such a cute way that you just want to take her picture as she's reaching out to capture your piss. So I'm moving the stream, shifting my hips. I start laughing, which only makes control more difficult. I'm trying to tighten up and shut off the stream before she reaches it, I'm peeing around her leg and head – she's moving now, shifting to the other side of the toilet, I have to pee, because holding it after you've started going is somewhat challenging. So I'm pissing again and she's paused to observe – she's leaning out farther and farther, reaching, I'm laughing and, all at once, I'm pissing on my cat's head.

I know what my reaction would be. First of all, it would be an extremely rare occurrence that you'd find my head anywhere close to a place where there's even the slightest chance that someone's going to piss on it. If, through whatever bizarre circumstances I might be found in such a state, and someone actually pissed on me, I'd be upset.

Here's what Paris did: Paris sort of shook her head like, Oh, what is this light, warm rain falling against my skull? and then she reached right out and did it again.

I'm hoping this is all a phase. I'm also looking forward to having guests over so they can have their own Paris target-shooting practice. Then I'll know whether or not it is everyone's toilette that she enjoys, or only my own.


Blogger Peacechick Mary said...

Now that's a new twist on Friday cat blogging. Funny.

August 25, 2006 3:25 AM  
Anonymous rebellious renee said...

PoP....that story is a riot!

I have one that likes to be in the bathroom with me....but being a woman, I take up the whole seat...
Phoenix just has to be in the room and lies down on the rug in front of the tub...

August 25, 2006 4:16 AM  
Blogger andi said...

ok now my husband once peed on our cat (accidentally), but that was a long time ago and tinker was being an idiot anyway. it was the same kind of situation, except it only happened once.

this, though... this is classic.

August 25, 2006 6:00 AM  
Blogger Mary said...

Leave it to a cat.

August 25, 2006 6:13 AM  
Blogger The Future Was Yesterday said...

This is a classic!! We have a full grown cat, that for reasons unknown, likes to swat at the "stuff", if any, when we flush. So we said we'd solve the problem by just remaining sitting until the toilet completes it's cycle. The cat just jumps up on our legs and tries to peer between them. Obviously, this isn't a workable remedy.:) The sound of either toilet flushing will bring her on a dead run from the furthest reaches of the house. a $64,000 question we've yet to solve.

August 25, 2006 6:15 AM  
Blogger MichaelBains said...

Too.. many... lewd options... Must restrain... self...

OK, just one..

I find it to be no surprise that something which licks itself constantly would like to dabble in Golden Showers?

I'd also get a latch for that bathroom door!

Hilarious, POP!

August 25, 2006 6:42 AM  
Blogger DivaJood said...

Oh, my god, what a funny cat. Thanks!

August 25, 2006 6:44 AM  
Blogger Steve Bates said...

He should rename the cat after you, kinda-sorta: "pissed ON patricia". :)

Stella's cats, if allowed in the bathroom, show curiosity; like Chance the Gardener, they "like to watch." But they follow you into the bathroom mainly because they hope you'll turn the sink faucet on for them so they can drink from it. (Blogwhoring alert...) See this week's cat blogging on the YDD.

(Blogger is being weird about comments today. Please forgive me if this is a duplicate post.)

August 25, 2006 8:14 AM  
Blogger Blueberry said...

Mr. B is always complaining that a cat will bust in on him when he's in the bathroom. I tell it's because he doesn't know how to shut the door! Unlike this guy, who needs a latch, our bathroom doors close perfectly well. I sent him the link. :-)

August 25, 2006 8:37 AM  
Anonymous colorado bob said...

PoP.....You're right it is the funniest thing I'll read today.

August 25, 2006 9:05 AM  
Blogger Kathy said...

Suggestion to Lance Arthur: Sit down and pee!!

August 25, 2006 10:47 AM  
Blogger Ole Blue The Heretic said...

"Another reason why men should pee sitting down," screams a multitude of women. ;-)

August 25, 2006 11:18 AM  
Anonymous karena said...

At first I thought that was your story, and frankly I was a bit surprised, I had no idea you had a penis, MUCH LESS A CAT!!!

My Mom pissed on a chicken once.
It pecked her bottom.

August 25, 2006 1:14 PM  
Anonymous karena said...

One more thing, I wonder is Paris is a wee bit catlogical?

August 25, 2006 1:16 PM  
Blogger Sammi2u said...

LOL that was great! I shared with everyone in my dept @ work lol just the laugh we needed to end the week. Thanks for sharing! Have a great weekend!

August 25, 2006 2:28 PM  
Blogger Chancelucky said...

This is taking stream of consciousness writing to um a whole new level.

August 25, 2006 3:19 PM  
Blogger Katharine said...

I haven't laughed so hard in a long time. Thanks for sharing this story!

August 25, 2006 3:43 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

PoP that was a good one - LMAO - my one cat will un-roll an entire roll of TP into the loo if you leave the lid up - only if you leave the lid up - otherwise she wont touch the TP - probelm solved with keeping the lid closed and the TP on the spindle in reverse direction just in case.

August 25, 2006 6:35 PM  
Anonymous karena said...

Your stream of consciouness comment made me bust a gut!!!!

August 25, 2006 6:49 PM  
Blogger Granny said...

Almost every one of our cats has been a peeping tom but so far I've never peed on one. Of course I'm not designed for it. I'll have to ask my husband if it's ever happend to him.

August 25, 2006 8:05 PM  
Blogger Gort said...

If I forget to close the door all the way during my morning visit to the "New York Office" our little fat cat will sneak in on jump up on the sports page I'm reading while sitting there contemplating the meaning of life. Soon to be followed by our ridiculous retriever checking out what all the excitment is. I have told the boys many times that are some things that I don't need an audience for.

August 25, 2006 8:26 PM  
Blogger The Fat Lady Sings said...

Oh honey! That was so damn funny! His descriptions - I burst out laughing more than once. What a hoot. My advice to Mr. Arthur? Get a better latch or start sitting down! Cause that cat's not gonna stop. Too curious. Cats are like that. They explore. Tonight my new baby kitten Pumpkin decided to climb up the wooden blinds. He made it almost to the top before I could get over there and make him stop. Rattling coins in a jar doesn't work for Pumpkin. We may have to break out the squirt bottle. Perhaps a damp rear end might prove to be a deterrence - but that's not a given when it comes to a cat. I once had a cat named Short Shit that loved water (he was short and he was a shit - what can I say?). We’d fill a sink full of water in the summer and he’d lay in it – partially submerged. He loved to swim with the dogs in their wading pool as well. Short Shit saw a squirt bottle as an opportunity. First he’d try and drink from it – then he’d re-position himself to catch the water’s full effect. He was a character. But cats are like that. They have lots and lots of character!

August 25, 2006 11:09 PM  
Anonymous pekka said...

Hehe, mr.Arthur is obviously still a real man unlike some of us who's better halves have toiled trained us to do the both numbers while sitting down. Aaaahh, to be young again...splish splash!

August 26, 2006 1:29 AM  
Blogger Rex Kramer, Danger Seeker said...

OK, cat lovers, explain to me again how felines are more intelligent than dogs.

Sure, I've had mutts who have eaten their own feces, but I always chalked that up as a sign of intellectual curiosity. This cat's behavior, however, is textbook masochism. I say keep it away from the razors.

August 26, 2006 7:26 AM  
Anonymous rebellious renee said...

rex kramer....
are you saying that an animal, when kicked in the head, will roll over and say.."so sorry master that my head got in the way of your foot" more intellegent than an animal who understands it's superior to human beings?...

August 26, 2006 7:45 AM  
Anonymous horsedooty said...

congrats on the link and mention of Morning Martini on Crooks and Liars.

yo soy Horsedooty!

August 26, 2006 8:36 AM  
Blogger Sothis said...

Hey, if that is what the cat is into, who are we to judge...

August 26, 2006 12:22 PM  
Blogger oldwhitelady said...

Oh that was funny! I laughed and laughed. I woke up one night thinking one of the faucets were dripping. It turned out that Mogwei was playing in the stool. He'd dip a paw in and flick it around. Once I started to keep the lid down, that behavior stopped. Saddie had an intense interest in the stool, too. He loved to watch it flush. I imagine if I were male, they both might have tried what Lance Arthur's kitten did.

August 26, 2006 6:15 PM  
Blogger Alice said...

This post is the best thing that's happened to me so far this Saturday. Yay for pervie kitty!


August 26, 2006 7:23 PM  
Blogger Karen McL said...

Very Funnie...puts me in mind of the - worst - funniest thing EVER with my cat (Misery-Loves-Company, aka MS. Cat) was to toilet train her to go on the potty.

It requires the use of a special thin clear tray that fits the toilet seat. (You cover with litter to simulate a litter box...but it's too flimsy for them to actually stand inside - thus they learn to balance above it on the side of the seat. You remove more litter each day till nothing but the seat shows, then remove the tray...and Voila' - a toilet-trained cat!)

But that doesn't mean they LIKE this or don't HATE you for doing this to them!

And during the *training* with Misery process there was a debacle involving the tray not bearing her weight (as it's intended not to) falling inside the toilet bowl - resulting in a sodden wet cat covered in litter gasping inside the toilet water of the bowl! I think she never forgave me for laughing at her!

Well - although she WAS trained to go on the toilet, she expressed her *Displeasure* at this new turn of events in numerous and unmistakable CAT-WAYS...until I had to give it up and give her back her litter box.

Live and Learn...but DON'T train an adult cat to GO on the toilet!


August 27, 2006 6:42 AM  
Blogger poopie said...

Um hmm...funniest thing I've read all YEAR!! *snort*

August 27, 2006 9:00 AM  
Blogger SB Gypsy said...

Ha hahahah haha ha ha ha...
heh heh good one.

August 27, 2006 10:41 AM  
Blogger Frederick said...

That's why pissing outdoors is always the best policy (except in crowded areas of course, with constables and the like).

August 27, 2006 1:06 PM  
Blogger El Jefe said...

On of our cats will give a look like "what are you doing to my water bowl?" Only once has she tried to force the issue, with similarly hilarious results...

(And to those who suggest keeping the lid down: in a house with four cats, a large dog, and two only partially domesticated house apes - yeah, that's gonna happen...)

thanks! - j

August 27, 2006 1:18 PM  
Blogger JBlue said...

My cat has to sit on the edge of the bathroom sink to watch me wash my face. Then he bats at the water. I think it's the "water" that might fascinate Paris.

August 27, 2006 4:04 PM  
Blogger Doctor Rick said...

Now your pissing on your pets. Where's PETA?

August 27, 2006 6:56 PM  
Blogger cul said...

I've got to get a cat.

August 29, 2006 6:40 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

He should just sit down.

August 31, 2006 4:34 PM  

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