Preparing for the Worst

Forget the war in Iraq or hurricane preparedness or whatever is happening with Iran. That’s what I did this weekend because I had more pressing matters on my mind. Mr. Pop and I used our time wisely as we made several trips to Wal-Mart to stock up and prepare for the attacks that are surely to come on our marriage. We are taking this quite seriously.

The first thing we did was to place our marriage license in a very secure safety deposit box at an undisclosed banking facility. No gay people can get their hands on it now, as they are wont to do. No way can they grab the legality of our marriage. Ha!

We stocked up on frilly dresses for me, because we all know that lesbians don’t wear anything feminine. So, hopefully they will leave me alone and not take me hostage or something. We also bought manly, masculine clothes for Mr. Pop for the same sort of reason.

We bought tacky yard ornaments for outside the front of our home, as everyone knows that all gays have excellent taste in design. We know who we’re dealing with here.

We also purchased a very large American flag to hang in the front yard, as everybody knows gay people hate everything about America. They chose to be gay and then they chose to hate America. They may also be the ones who threaten to burn all American flags. That’s another problem we have to deal with.

So while the rest of you were messing around with worrying about this or that, I was paying attention to the imminent threat that lurks just around the corner. I was doing what every non-gay American should have been doing. I was preparing to defend my marriage from gay married people. The attacks could begin any minute.

Okay, I’m not sure how the attacks will begin or why or when, but I’m told it will happen unless the House and the Senate spend extraordinarily vast amounts of time talking about it. Thankfully they don’t have anything else to work on right now. Nothing more important than stopping the war on marriage.

It is said this war could produce more casualties than the War on Christmas and the War on Easter combined. And we all remember what happened there.

Yeah sure, on the way to Wal-Mart we had to drive around a group of disabled veterans, some homeless families and a couple of starving children, but we didn’t care because Mr. and Mrs. Pop have their priorities, and they’re straight.