Monday, June 05, 2006

Preparing for the Worst

Forget the war in Iraq or hurricane preparedness or whatever is happening with Iran. That’s what I did this weekend because I had more pressing matters on my mind. Mr. Pop and I used our time wisely as we made several trips to Wal-Mart to stock up and prepare for the attacks that are surely to come on our marriage. We are taking this quite seriously.

The first thing we did was to place our marriage license in a very secure safety deposit box at an undisclosed banking facility. No gay people can get their hands on it now, as they are wont to do. No way can they grab the legality of our marriage. Ha!

We stocked up on frilly dresses for me, because we all know that lesbians don’t wear anything feminine. So, hopefully they will leave me alone and not take me hostage or something. We also bought manly, masculine clothes for Mr. Pop for the same sort of reason.

We bought tacky yard ornaments for outside the front of our home, as everyone knows that all gays have excellent taste in design. We know who we’re dealing with here.

We also purchased a very large American flag to hang in the front yard, as everybody knows gay people hate everything about America. They chose to be gay and then they chose to hate America. They may also be the ones who threaten to burn all American flags. That’s another problem we have to deal with.

So while the rest of you were messing around with worrying about this or that, I was paying attention to the imminent threat that lurks just around the corner. I was doing what every non-gay American should have been doing. I was preparing to defend my marriage from gay married people. The attacks could begin any minute.

Okay, I’m not sure how the attacks will begin or why or when, but I’m told it will happen unless the House and the Senate spend extraordinarily vast amounts of time talking about it. Thankfully they don’t have anything else to work on right now. Nothing more important than stopping the war on marriage.

It is said this war could produce more casualties than the War on Christmas and the War on Easter combined. And we all remember what happened there.

Yeah sure, on the way to Wal-Mart we had to drive around a group of disabled veterans, some homeless families and a couple of starving children, but we didn’t care because Mr. and Mrs. Pop have their priorities, and they’re straight.


Blogger Mary said...

LOL! Very funny Pop. Good job.

June 05, 2006 4:55 AM  
Blogger PTCruiser said...

Makes me proud to see that you and Mr. PoP are good, jesus-loving Americans who care about the important issues and threats that face our nation today. I'm just hoping that they start recruiting soon, so that I can proudly send my overtly masculine son off to fight in this very important War on Marriage. This country needs more heterosexual patriots like yourself and Mr. PoP.

June 05, 2006 5:40 AM  
Anonymous rebellious renee said...

Hey should also blast country and western music throughout your house.....and for heaven's sake....get rid of all your Broadway musical CDs!

June 05, 2006 6:18 AM  
Anonymous rebellious renee said...

Oh I caveat...DO NOT..
I repeat...DO Tammy Wynette's "Stand By Your Man"!!!!

And yes...tear down your Judy Garland poster!

June 05, 2006 6:27 AM  
Blogger spadoman said...

Well, that's nuthin'. I shaved off my mustache because I look a little Hispanic with the cake rake.

Don't want the misconception that I am Latin.

Did you know that the Italians and the Hispanics both use "Como Esta" as a greeting? The horror, the horror.

Great stuff PoP. I'm glad I'm not in the company of people that actually think this way, or maybe I am and just don't know it.

June 05, 2006 6:34 AM  
Blogger Jamie said...

Great column PoP,

You can have my plastick pink flamingo if you think it will stave off the rampaging hoards.

June 05, 2006 7:04 AM  
Blogger Frederick said...

. . . aren't duct tape, water bottles, tunafish and powdered milk oddly sexual, therefore part of the leftist agenda? I'm afraid the enemy is within.

June 05, 2006 7:07 AM  
Blogger Walt said...

Mmm, pure snarky goodness on a Monday. Wonderful post, Patricia.

I've taken proper steps as well, by surrounding my house with plaid (because we all know that stuff that's really tacky is a sure gay repellent) and wearing loud Hawaiian shirts.

June 05, 2006 7:30 AM  
Blogger mikevotes said...

That is funny as hell. I was laughing out loud. Thanks.

(If I can ever get blogger to work, I'm gonna excerpt your first paragraph and link back. I assume that's not a problem. If so, let me know I'll pull it down.)


June 05, 2006 9:33 AM  
Blogger Donviti said...

sounds like a new add campaing in the making for walmart.

Hell maybe FEMA should alert all of us to to do the same POP....

great post

June 05, 2006 9:41 AM  
Blogger eProf2 said...

So funny and so well written! God, I'm shaking in my boots about yet another fear to worry about. Maybe FDR can tell me again, "there's nothing to fear but fear itself." Oh, I forgot, he's dead.

June 05, 2006 10:03 AM  
Blogger Tele said...

I'm just worried about couples when one is bi-sexual. Will that invalidate their marriage license? Will the children have one of their parents removed from the Birth Certificate? I hope the language is specific enough that it doesn't outlaw marriage between a man and a woman, even though, one spouse likes same sex liasons. I know it's a small percentage but we'll keep that on the 'down low'.

If 50% of marriages fail and 13% of the population is gay. Why is the government so concerned about marriages between such a small group of people? Especially when 50% of them are going to get divorced anyway!

June 05, 2006 10:22 AM  
Blogger Sothis said...

Damn straight, PoP. We have to stop this now. If we don't, all these gay people will get married and start breeding more little gay people.

I'm going to get my Pink Flamingos right now...

June 05, 2006 10:27 AM  
Blogger Chancelucky said...

that was really funny, but you forgot the Duct tape and bottled water (Evian I assume)

June 05, 2006 11:00 AM  
Blogger spadoman said...

So, here's a thought.......
Suppose you get married to a person of the opposite sex, then, you or the significant other has a complete sex change operation?

That will fool em' fer sure!

June 05, 2006 11:04 AM  
Blogger The Fat Lady Sings said...

Well honey - you just flat out made my day! Damn – but you're one funny lady! Well - I guess this means the hubby and I have to get to work de-gaying the house. Man alive - that's gonna take some work! There's all my theatre and coffee house posters, my Erte and other Art Deco art pieces not to mention every Broadway Musical ever committed to film or CD! Christ almighty - this will take weeks! And my house will seem strangely empty. I don't think I know how to have bad taste; and as that's a pre-requisite to showing you’re straight – I’m screwed! Do you think I could just purchase a shotgun rack for the truck and call it a day? Especially if I promise to hold a ritual burning of any and all Dixie Chick material? My neighbors down the road already have the KKK-straight people covered – they’ve been flying the Stars & Bars since we moved down here. Perhaps we should set up a perimeter? Do you think Pink Flamencos (movie or lawn ornaments) would suffice?

June 05, 2006 11:51 AM  
Blogger Sheila said...

Amen to that Pop!

Very good and might I say, "sarcastic and fun."

Now that you've pretty well bought out Walmart to protect yourselves against Gay marraige, did you remember the Hurricanes????

Hey, by the way. Can you get into the LIST? I've tried every which way but loose. I can see everyone else posting, but I can't get into the posts or Post anything either.

My Blogs fine and yours seems to be too. Is it just me?

June 05, 2006 12:29 PM  
Blogger TheCultureGhost said...


June 05, 2006 12:45 PM  
Blogger glenda said...

Well, i feel safer already.

June 05, 2006 1:42 PM  
Blogger Peacechick Mary said...

I couldn't get your comment box to come up for most of the day. Just wanted to tell you I chuckled all the way through your post. You're right to be worried. My sister in Canada tells me that when gays were allowed to be married up there, people would walk down the street; meet a gay couple and fall the the ground in a heap of a ruined marriage.

June 05, 2006 2:14 PM  
Blogger Cartledge said...

It's great to know that the US is there to save the rest of us from our follies.
Now if you can only stop those people with overloaded shopping carts lining up at the WalMart express check out...

June 05, 2006 3:25 PM  
Blogger james said...

OMG Thanks for the belly laugh!!!

I'm going to get my Bible right now and prepare for the invasion and attacks.

June 05, 2006 4:13 PM  
Blogger Culchie Comer said...

Nice! Like others here I laughed out loud when I read this.

June 05, 2006 5:45 PM  
Blogger Zee said...

Do they sell condoms at WalMart? If so, we should all boycott that store - including you!

June 05, 2006 5:46 PM  
Blogger JM said...

Glad to see that you've taken "appropriate" steps. Too bad our "leadership" (and I use the term loosely) is so "inappropriate" in setting priorities.

June 05, 2006 5:50 PM  
Blogger Gort said...

You inspire me!

June 05, 2006 6:16 PM  
Blogger Trial.Lawyer.Richard said...

POP: Great Post. Way to put things in perspective.


June 05, 2006 7:29 PM  
Blogger shutterwi said...

I'm waiting for the rainbow color alert scrolling along the TV screens before I go into complete panic mode.

Great post PoP. I'm glad you and the Mr. are safe and secure.

June 05, 2006 7:29 PM  
Blogger Turtle Guy said...

Don't hate me because I'm as straight as the day is long... and some of my best friends aren't.

Good post!

June 05, 2006 8:17 PM  
Blogger Turtle Guy said...

BTW... I'll send you a disc, email me, k?

June 05, 2006 8:18 PM  
Anonymous abi said...

Hey, this is serious business. The president says same-sex marriage is a matter of "profound importance" that threatens the very "stability of society." Yikes!

I hear the Gay Threat warning has been elevated to Lavender.

Scott Reed, who managed Bob Dole's 1996 presidential campaign, got off a good line: "If you're a gay who likes to burn flags, it's going to be a long year."

June 05, 2006 8:20 PM  
Blogger GraemeAnfinson said...

LOL! perfect

June 05, 2006 10:51 PM  
Blogger Granny said...

I'm torn between what is more hysterical - your post or the comments that followed.

Spadoman. Your comment on post-op transsexuals. I have a male to female friend (another PFLAG member) who is still married to her wife of many years.

Wife said I loved him when I married him, why wouldn't I love her now?

Why not indeed. According to them, their license is as valid as the day they married.

June 05, 2006 11:08 PM  
Blogger sumo said...

Another emergency averted by the prez... he must be so proud tonight as he takes another hit for the party. Way to go P!

June 06, 2006 12:32 AM  
Blogger Endorendil said...

Jesus tapdancing Christ (peace be upon him), that's some funny stuff...

June 06, 2006 4:54 AM  
Anonymous Betty Cracker said...

Whatever you do, make sure you never watch "What Ever Happened to Baby Jane" or "Mommie Dearest" on TV.

June 06, 2006 9:12 AM  
Anonymous NWTrnr said...

EXCELLENT !!! I'm starting a viral forward of this to everyone I know. Thank you.

June 06, 2006 10:21 AM  
Anonymous Emily said...

Thankyouthankyouthankyou! I've been trying for such a long time to figure out how gays marrying was going to harm my own long-term marriage, and nobody could explain it to me. You have not only put it so clearly, but offered all of us instructions about what we need to be doing to protect our marriages, and for that you should win an award.

A big award. Thanks again for the best post EVER on this subject. I love the morning martinis.

June 06, 2006 1:47 PM  
Blogger cul said...

hahahaha...damn straight.

June 06, 2006 2:21 PM  
Blogger Gary said...

Brilliant my dear! Linked.

You should know the Fat Lady Sings was pimping this post on my page; and with good reason!

Nice job...As always!

June 06, 2006 3:02 PM  
Blogger isabelita said...

My stars and garters, as a card-carrying member of a LONG hetero marriage - 32 years tomorrow! - may I commend you on your preparedness! Now we must start lobbying for an end to divorce, public displays of affection, revealing clothing on fertile and nubile young females, and ID chips in all our mates' necks so we can track them if they start to stray.
I mean, womanly women should be too busy lying on their sides nursing like sows to have to run around and keep their mates out of trouble, ya know?
Jesting aside - Is there any historical precedence in the USA for this regression? I know about Nazi Germany and Stalin's USSR - how fascism and totalitarianism seem to breed puritanical fanaticism and weirdness, but here? I suppose Prohibition would count, but there was a lively underground to counter it. Even my maternal grandmother brought booze back from Canada back then!
This sucks. I grew up in the 1950's, I didn't expect to have to repeat them...

June 06, 2006 4:10 PM  
Blogger Slangwhanger-in-Chief said...

Glad to see so much thought going into ordinary Americans' preparation to defeat what calls the HOMO LOVE CRISIS. Didja know a whole bunch o' gays either are now, or have descended from, immigrants? Terrible truth. Yeah, they prolly burn flags too (in stylishly minimalist backyard barbecues) but can ya imagine doin' it AND speakin' Spanish? Just frosts my flanks to even think about it. Thanks again for getting out ahead of the crowd on this one and showing the way. I'm divorced, but hell, I'm heterosexually divorced and apparently that makes all the difference...

June 06, 2006 7:48 PM  
Blogger Laurie said...

Another great post, Patricia. Glad to know you have your priorities straight. ; )

June 07, 2006 2:48 AM  
Blogger a rose is a rose said...

shite - you're NOT kidding p o p (and mr p o p) on memorial day for example, i came home to find TWO LESBIANS PLAYING VOLLYBALL on the front lawn of the house across the street. MY GODDESS LESBIANS. yesterday when i came home, there they were again! dammit i was frightened. they were NOT playing vollyball this time. they were TRESSPASSING into my yard and nearby yards. their dog had gotten loose (which would NEVER have happened if they were NOT gay) and they (WITHOUT my permission) were looking for her/him on MY property! oh p o p oh wise one if ONLY i had prepared like you did i would be able to defend myself from that onslaught

June 07, 2006 3:37 AM  
Blogger PaxRomano said...

We know where you live!

Pax: (Gay Terrorist) ;)

June 08, 2006 6:03 AM  
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