Thursday, May 29, 2008

My 3am phone call came at 5pm Tuesday

About twenty years ago I had to part ways with my sister for my own sanity. Even my therapist felt it was my only choice. At that time my mother parted ways with me and sided with my sister. They both were deeply into religion and since I would not join them, I guess my mother felt I was on my own and didn’t need her love.

Over that period of years, my sister tried on several occasions to deceive me on several different issues. I would get calls from my brother in law telling me stories that I knew to be untrue. He was my sister and my mother’s messenger.

The final straw occurred last year when he called to tell me my mother’s home was being sold and they wanted me to sign over my interest in the house to my sister. I contemplated my choices and asked that before the home was sold might I retrieve some of my books from there along with some personal items that my grandmother had left to me at her death. My brother in law told me that my mother and sister were denying me those things and that they would be sold at a garage sale. Later I found out that they were.

Tuesday at 5pm I got another call from my brother in law, the one you expect at 3am. He told me my mother had passed away an hour earlier.

I have such strange emotions about this. The only thing that makes me sad is that I don’t feel sad. I wish I could, but I feel I really lost my mother twenty years ago. Time has healed the pain ahead of time.

I have made it these past twenty years without her, I can go on.

36 Comments:

Blogger Freida Bee said...

I am sorry to hear it, POP, nonetheless. Be good to yourself (as you've been doing).

May 29, 2008 3:21 AM  
Blogger fallenmonk said...

Sorry to hear news like that and a shame you didn't have a chance to share those twenty years with someone who would share your love. Sometimes it is best to move on and let relationships that won't prosper go away. From what you have shared with us it seems you have taken the challenges of your childhood and turned them into strengths. I am pretty sure the world is a better place with you in it.

May 29, 2008 3:54 AM  
Blogger Colonel Colonel said...

I'm sorry to hear this, and sorry things were not better before.

May 29, 2008 4:30 AM  
Blogger mommanator said...

Sorry for your losses! I hear ya, but thankfully can't relate, but look what jewels you do have in your life!

May 29, 2008 5:47 AM  
Blogger mommanator said...

Sorry for your losses! I hear ya, but thankfully can't relate, but look what jewels you do have in your life!

May 29, 2008 5:47 AM  
Blogger Spirula said...

Sad, but I understand how you feel.

As an Ex-fundy, I've been functionally separated from most of my family. I never made it an issue, but that kind of religious authoritarianism just can't let things be. Always the judgmental attitude, the self-righteousness getting in the way. It's their value system and I want no part of it.

Can't say I miss them though. What to talk about now? Weather? Everything else is provocative.

May 29, 2008 6:41 AM  
Blogger Forty Paws said...

Well, let it go. I finally gave up on my own a few years ago. Yes, you've made it this far, and you can go on.

Luf, Maw

May 29, 2008 6:41 AM  
Blogger Dr. Monkey Von Monkerstein said...

Good for you. Most of the time the relationships we have with our familes are the most toxic in our lives and it takes great courage to step away from those toxic relationships.

May 29, 2008 6:52 AM  
Blogger Spartacus said...

PoP, I'm sorry for your loss. Both now and from 20 years ago.

May 29, 2008 6:54 AM  
Blogger robin andrea said...

I'm sorry for your loss, PoP. You've already done the healing, so the good bye is familiar. I hope the peace you have found keeps you emotionally strong and well.

May 29, 2008 7:05 AM  
Blogger betmo said...

my mom had a similar experience- i get the phone calls now. her youngest sister called to tell me that their brother is dying of cancer returned. she feels bad about it but she worked through her goodbyes and grief years ago- for her sanity. no religious crap- but gossip, mean spiritedness, and jealousy amongst the siblings perpetuated by my now deceased grandmother. mom gave them all up. and she has been happier ever since. you did the right thing- and the people you knew were gone a long time ago. namaste.

May 29, 2008 7:12 AM  
Blogger Dr. Know said...

I understand your situation. I last saw my parents 21 years ago due to a battle with the local "corrupt authority", yet my life improved considerably without their negative influences. Everyone interjected their personal opinions to the contrary, and some went as far as to claim it made me a "bad person". But they were wrong. Life is sometimes not what we would hope, and it seldom resembles "Leave it to Beaver" reruns.

Standing your individual ground and developing emotional strength is ultimately more important than kowtowing to bad or destructive influences.

Peace, PoP.

May 29, 2008 7:23 AM  
Blogger dguzman said...

Just because you're related by blood doesn't mean that love naturally follows. As Monkey said, sometimes families can be toxic, and none of us needs that poison in our lives. I'm sorry your mother missed those 20 years of your life--she probably would've learned a lot. But it's her loss.

May 29, 2008 7:31 AM  
Blogger Unconventional Conventionist said...

What Monkerstein said. I told my particular jar-head fundies adios a similar length of time ago.

What I also find interesting is that we who exhibit the willingess to change, progress, while the obstinance of those who won't, founder and stay mired in their unhappiness/bitterness, hence the sale of those important things to you.

You were willing to trade "house interest" for some mementos. High road, baby, high road, and you're on it.

May 29, 2008 8:09 AM  
Blogger Sherry said...

i know, things like that leave you feeling strange, like you know how families are supposed to act at times like this(in movies and tv but rarely in real life)
and you don't/can't feel those things(with damn good reasons)

you were much better off by losing them 20 years ago and truth, they probably were too. their hateful view was toxic to them as well and you, deciding to live your life in a better way probably just infuriated them if you had stayed around.

you can pick your friends but you take what you get family-wise. that is often an emotionally painful thing.

take care.

May 29, 2008 8:10 AM  
Blogger The Minstrel Boy said...

my sincere condolences PoP.

your emotions aren't strange, they're honest and real. of course, that won't carry any water for the fundies. . .just let them be who they are.

May 29, 2008 8:39 AM  
Blogger Dean Wormer said...

I'm sorry about your loss, Pop.

Religion seems to divide as much as it unites.

May 29, 2008 10:23 AM  
Blogger Jamie said...

PoP

I am sorry to hear about your mother's death. Sometimes coming to terms with the inevitable before it happens is one of the hardest jobs of all. If possible, give yourself some time to mourn "might have been" because that was what was really lost all those long years ago.

May she rest in peace.

May 29, 2008 11:27 AM  
Blogger an average patriot said...

My lord POP
My heart is with you! I thought I had the most screwed up Family. I am so sorry! Don't take anything to heart! People can be pretty screwed up especially family it seems. You'' be alright. You are a good one and you have us Mr. POP and Fred. I will say a prayer for your mother. Take care!

May 29, 2008 12:12 PM  
Blogger ZILLA said...

I'm hugging you anyway, because I'm all grabby like that. Plus, I know it sucks to lose a parent, whether to death or to "something else."

That's two parents of bloggy-friends passed away this week... I've got that ominous feeling, PoP.

May 29, 2008 1:32 PM  
Blogger eProf2 said...

The scars of family divisiveness last a long, long time. I hope you can find it in your heart to forgive your mother as it will eat you up for sure if the bad feelings continue. Brace yourself for the next round of family disagreements over the remaining estate and what to do about funeral arrangements, et cetera. I hope, too, that you find the inner peace you have found with Mr. Pop, Fred, and mother nature. Good luck!

May 29, 2008 2:03 PM  
Blogger XUP said...

That's unbearably sad. I can't imagine ever being so harsh as to blank my daughter from my life. I hope you'll be at peace with it all eventually.

May 29, 2008 2:23 PM  
Blogger Mike said...

Sorry to hear this PoP. Families can be so hard on us all sometimes. I haver personally vowed never to act that way toward any of my kids because I saw so much of it in my own family. It's just better to love your kids for who they are instead of who you want them to be.

May 29, 2008 2:24 PM  
Blogger Distributorcap said...

so sorry for your loss, but i am glad you have made peace with your choices and the pain has healed ---- you deserve the best and your choices seem to have panned out

May 29, 2008 4:57 PM  
Blogger FranIAm said...

The day I show up late, really late...

I am sorry to hear this, but I think you are very clear about what you feel. Also you have dealt with this for a long time and I think you had already made your peace.

Many of us have come out of extreme dysfunction and yet here we are. Living well - it is a good thing and for many of us, a clear choice.

Wishing you peace PoP.

May 29, 2008 5:31 PM  
Blogger DCup said...

I'm sorry that your family has been a source of unhappiness for you. It's a shame what families can do to each other.

I hope you're okay.

May 29, 2008 7:02 PM  
Blogger two crows said...

it sounds like you made your peace long ago and I'm sure you're stronger for it.

I'm so sorry your family made it necessary. peace.

May 29, 2008 8:49 PM  
Blogger Jazz said...

So sorry Pop. Mostly that your family forced this on you.

May 30, 2008 6:11 AM  
Blogger Naj said...

Patricia,

There's a novel I am reading online, you may know this blogger already:
UtahSavage.blogspot.com.

This is a sad story you are telling. Too.

Best,
Naj

May 30, 2008 7:38 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I am sorry for this event and do not be surprised if the feelings you get later "surprise" you. Feelings tend to change without notice sometimes and even though you and your mother were comfortably estranged and you worked your way through the seperation, it may hit you hard later. If so, you will be alright, but the permanent loss of what never was may creep up and surprise you. Hang in there.

May 30, 2008 10:02 AM  
Blogger Windrider said...

I'm sorry for the loss of your mother.

Religion has separated more people from one another, and killed more people than all of the plagues and diseases to exist on the Earth.

It ended my marriage...

I have my own spiritual beliefs, but to this day have never, and don't ever plan on stepping into a church of any kind ever again.

Be well.

May 30, 2008 8:52 PM  
Blogger D.K. Raed said...

I'm sorry for the death of your mother, PoP. It's not strange to not feel sad about someone who has been out of your life for so long. But still, it is a moment in time, it marks a place in your life, an official and final good-bye. Perhaps her passing will remove the necessity of having to deal much more w/your sister and brother-in-law.

May 31, 2008 2:26 AM  
Blogger TaraDharma said...

POPS, my mom and another friend of mine, had a similar (non) relationship with their moms. When the moms died, mom and pal felt the exact same way you do. It was over a long time ago. It's understandable, though may seem inconceiveable to some. Got to live it to understand it.

Keep on truckin'...I'll toast you with my Bombaby Sapphire martini tonight!

May 31, 2008 5:53 PM  
Blogger Endorendil said...

Sorry to hear about this PoP. My better half went through a similar process, and while it has been very, very hard, I don't see any way it could have been avoided. Sometimes cutting the cord is the only way to keep living. The lack of sensation at a parent's death is no suprise after such a separation. You've been hurt, you grieved and now it's over. Relief, I can understand. Mourning, not so much...

June 01, 2008 6:46 AM  
Blogger fairlane said...

PoP, I think you're one cool chick.

June 01, 2008 6:50 AM  
Blogger Marjorie said...

OMG pop, I want to come back to this, something very similar happened to both my husband and me, and now we have another friend going through the same thing.

I still cry though, and sometimes at night I remember the good things about my mom, but it's rough.

We are like little lost sheep, but we are survivors.

June 04, 2008 7:31 PM  

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